Open Letter To Captain Killian Jones

 Today I thought I would do a bit of roleplay as the writer of the Onnce Upon A Time Book. Enjoy!


Dear Killian,

Did you know that if you look up the origins of your name, Killian actually means strife? It’s come to my attention that you seem to be at dealing with a lot of that lately. And perhaps that’s my fault. Well actually it is my fault. You see, the way this world works is that all stories, yours included must involve a certain amount of pain. And I’ve reveled in created yours.

At least, I reveled in creating it before. Lately I can’t seem to reach you. Actually if I’m being honest I can’t reach any of the people I’ve created. I have what people in this world are calling writer’s block, which means, apparently, that my power of the pen doesn’t work properly anymore.

But the people of this world say that they know how to bring the power of my pen back. They say I just have to keep writing.

So I thought I would start with you. But first lets go over a few of the bugs in your system. Admittedly I was having a bad day when it comes to your love life. I killed off your first love and now it seems that I may be toying with your emotions in regards to the second love. I’m reading my notes here and it looks like I had you calling Emma, and I quote, “dried up dead and useless.” Well call me mad sir, but I hardly think those words are a strong basis for a relationship. Neither is leaving that same woman and her mother and friends to die in a cell looking quite good for a marriage.

And then there’s the way you treated a certain little boy. You try to be the father of someone who didn’t like you for who you were. Who you still are. A pirate. And what’s your reaction when this little boy rejects you? Why you toss him to the proverbial sharks. You sell him off to a high bidder because of your own pettiness. You don’t seem to quite realize yet that love and affection takes more time to grown than in this world you are from, where love was more instantaneous. In time, I hope you see that you cannot badger a person to care for you. You need to be patient.

Now this little boy is grown up and has fallen for your second love and your second love loves him. That is no excuse for you to be petty toward this young boy who now calls himself by a different name than the one you once knew him as. You have let your jealously rear its ugly head at this boy even though I know you still care for him. You kept his sword for hundreds of years so don’t try to hide your latent affections under a veil of smirks and crude remarks. I know you.   

But I look past that. After all, I think you’ve improved since the last time I’ve seen you. You’ve been doing the right things. That thing you did with the shadow? Tinkerbell is leading you to believe that you did it for Emma but I know you did it for yourself. You want to be a good person but it’s going to take you a while to gain people’s trust.

Perhaps as a start, you could try to do things beyond trying to gain Emma’s love. Make friends. Get a hobby. Start making a life for yourself in the world you’re in because I will tell you now, it won’t be easy. For one thing, this world doesn’t always have magic. But it does have technology. And a certain dress sense that is far removed from the one you currently possess. Perhaps you can try changing your clothes. I do believe I have kept you in the same outfit for over three hundred years. A technical oversight. I seem to have a penchant for dressing my men in leather as of late but maybe now it is time I gave you a t-shirt and some decent pants to wear. Oh and toilet paper. I’m afraid that toilet paper is something you’re going to have to learn how to use. I’m not quite sure how you will achieve this one handed as you are, but I’m sure you will rise to the challenge. You’re going to have to. Pirates are notoriously unclean but even a pirate doesn’t like soiled underpants. Those are normally socially accepted amongst the babies of this world.

I shall check up on you soon. Only thing is, I’m not quite so sure as to how I could possibly send this letter to you. Do pirates have mailboxes? The people of this world say I should tweet this to you. Apparently this is how people communicate here. This world is very strange indeed.

Hoping you’re not currently laying prone on floor as you seem to often be,

The Writer